January 2001

MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS

Want to kill your business quickly? Want to chase away customers so you can enjoy a little peace and quiet? This column is just for you.

I’m going to give you seven secrets for running your business into the ground. You may remember the book, How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. This book would be called, How To Fail In A Flash.

1. Hire dummies. Look for people with no skills, no ambition and a bad attitude. Put them in areas where they’re sure to have a lot of customer contact.
        A recent study by the American Society of Quality Control revealed that the No. 1 reason customers stop doing business with a company is the way they were treated. A whopping 68 percent ranked employee indifference at the top of the list. This adds validity to the U.S. News and World Report survey done several years ago in which seven of 10 surveyed gave their No. 1 reason for not going back to a business as “the way they were treated.”
        So, hire dummies and leave them alone with customers. I guarantee a reduction in sales.

2. Don’t advertise. Convince yourself that since half of your advertising dollars are probably wasted you shouldn’t waste any. Assume everyone knows what you sell.
        Tell yourself that advertising is an expense, not an investment in the future business. Let those new potential customers find you any way they can. If they can’t do a little driving around, that’s not your problem, is it?

3. Don’t plan. One of the best ways to fail is through failing to plan. Don’t analyze your current position. Don’t decide where you want to go. Don’t write down any steps to get from where you are to where you want to go.
        Tell yourself you’re too busy to plan and just let things happen naturally.

4. Avoid change. How can you ever excel at anything if you’re changing everything all the time? Stay with the same program. 
        Ignore the successful business owners who are changing. As fast as they are changing, they will probably be back to doing it your way by next year.

5. Reduce quality. Although this is not as good a strategy as hiring dummies to drive away customers, it still is a good one. A full 14 percent of your customers will leave if your quality slips.
        Buy cheap. Sell high. It will take a little while for customers to experience the difference, but when they do they’ll be gone. No more fussing; no more complaining.

6. Break promises. Promise Monday, deliver Wednesday. Promise early, deliver late. Promise fixed, deliver broken. Over promise, under deliver.
        Be creative. Make a game out of this one. See which employee can get a customer to come back the most times without actually delivering anything. 

7. Take a big price jump. This is always good for a few raised eyebrows. It is also a great one-two punch when delivered with lower quality.
        Customers are less likely to notice small price increases, so make it a big one. When the eyebrows go up, just say, “inflation.” You may even want to put up signs announcing “price just increased.” (This is the one exception to the “don’t advertise” advice.)

There you have them — seven sure-fire ways to rid your business of customers. Of course, those of you who want to grow your business and build wealth ... well, now you know what not to do.